inkedmike's Blog

My Mother is Maltese.To her,the only way to ensure a child grows up "GOOD"is to Beat It Into Them.I was 6yrs old when my Mother decided it was time for me to learn to be "GOOD".This started a 6 yr "Instruction Period"on how to be "GOOD".The first time I remember getting Beaten was when I was assigned to Drying the Dishes after Supper.I was drying them with a cloth,the way you'd expect a 6 yr old to Dry Dishes.My Sister washed,as my Mother had already iinformed me I was "TOO CLUMSY" to wash.As I was Drying,she came over to the sink and picked up a Dish from the Dry Dish Rack.She put it back,never saying a word,walked over to a Drawer,took out a Wooden Spoon,and proceeded to Beat me with it.I could'nt escape as I had been standing on a chair when the Beating started.The first blow knocked me off and I was sitting on the cold kitchen floor,hands over my face to protect it,while she continuec to hit and hit with ALL the Force she could muster,All the while Screaming"Why can't you EVER do anything right" and"I said dry those dishes,not leave them moist".The Beating stopped as abruptly as it had begun."Now DRY those dishes right,you good for nothing (Maltese Swear Word)"I was crying,I had pissed my pants,and I had red marks covering both arms.I had NEVER been so scared in my life.I Re-Dried the dishes UNTIL THEY WHERE LIKE BONE.Again,The Test.I passed."If you were'nt so STUPID you would have done it right the First Time".The Wooden Spoon NEVER went back into the Drawer again.It sat on the Ledge above the Kitchen Bankette.After that the Beatings came every day,then several times a day.The reasons ranged from"You did'nt make your bed right" to "Don't you look at me like that"always accompanied with SOME statement of my Uselessness.

At the age of 8,during a Beating for I don't know what,the Wooden Spoon Broke over my arm.My Mother,with her face Red from Excertion,like always,just looked at me.Stared would be more appropriate.I could see the Anger on her Face that"I"had broken the Wooden Spoon.I felt relief.My thinking was"At least I get a day until she buys another one."I was wrong.My Father,a Timid,Spineless man,was sitting in the Living Room DIRECTLY ADJACENT to the kitchen(Every time HE HEARD.My Cries.My Sceams.My Pleas.And HE DID NOTHING!)when my Mother said to him"Your Son broke the Wooden Spoon I need Something Else!".He got up,went Down stairs to the workshop and about 10mins later can back with"Something Else".It was an old Fibreglass Fishing Pole.I should say the Top 3ft of it.The Eyelets had been removed.It was now"The Stick"and took the place of the Wooden Spoon on the Ledge.The Beatings resumed the next day,I'd forgotten to take the sheets off my Bed and put the in the Laundry Room.(It was Monday.Sheets were Washed Every Monday.No Exceptions).I had just walked in the Side Door,home from School for Lunch.I never saw it coming.My Mother stood 3 steps above me on the Stairs to the Kitchen and began Hitting with the same Strength she used with the Wooden Spoon.It hurt SO MUCH I can't really descride it and do it justice.At first there was a Sting,followwed almost immediately by Acute Pain.I could see the welts on my arm change Colour.Red,then a Blue,almost a Tattoo Blue,then a Dark,Dark blue,then Black and last,the tinge of Yellow outlining the Welt."How ...Can...You...Be...SO...Stupid...."The beating had stopped after what seemed like 10mins."You knew it was Monday,WHY DID'NT YOU PUT YOUR SHEETS IN THE WASH!"I knew better than to say a word,not even"I'm Sorry".That could start it All over Again.(I learned that The HARD WAY).This went on,Day after Day,Year after Year,until I was 12.

I began to have Excrusiating Headaches,enough to make me Cry.I could'nt Stand the light.I began to Lick my Lips Uncontrollable,like a "Tick"of some sort.I started to stay in my room,even on the Weekends,just Going out for School and to run Errands for my Mother.The Beatings continued.The Verbal Berating continued.I was at my Pediatritions one day(He had NEVER mentioned the Welts,though they had always Returned to the Red colour when I saw him,But HOW COULD HE MISS THE PATTERN RUNNING DOWN BOTH ARMS AND BACK)It was a Routine Check- up when I just Broke out in Tears,I couldn't Help It!He asked me what was wrong,I told him about the Headaches.He Reached into his Drawer and Wrote a Prescription for Diazapam,10mg daily.And Phoned A Child Psyciatrist right there in front of me.He told me I had an Appointment with him in 1wk.right after School.My Mother Filled the presciption.She asked My Doctor what it was for,he just said"It will help with the Headaches".A week later I saw the Psyciatrist.He asked me when the Headaches had started.I told him.He asked me if anything had happened lately,or if I could think of something that was giving me these headaches.I SAID "NO".He looked at the Prescription my Pediatrician had given me for Diazapam.He looked at me and said"This is a Kids Dose".He increased it to 60mg daily and added 200mg of Amitriptyline.After I began Taking these Medications I became a Vegetable.I could Barely keep my Eyes Open and I Slurred so Badly I was almost Unintelligible.I WAS IN GRADE 7!

Well,it Seems my Mother was Right.I became a "Good"Boy,then Man.I Always am Thoughtfull of Others and Polite.The only Side Effects were Severe Chronic Depression,Anxiety and a Schizo-Effective Disorder,Combined, this is called Dysphoria.This requires me to take 7 different medications to try to Alieviate the Symptoms.Oh,I'm also a Severe Agorophobic.But My Mother was right!I became "GOOD".

On November 25/08 I wrote a Blog,"Am I in the right Place?"At that time I had just found,and joined, this site.My computer skills are Negligible.My ability to navigate through this site(or ANY OTHER site)are,shall we say,"Challenged".In time I began to find the Resourses I had SO been looking for.The tools to find others.I began to use them.I began to search out "LIKE" people.People who had the Afflictions I did(or,at least,some of them).I asked them for thier Friendship.The response was overwhelming.In less than a month I had a "circle"of over 75 friends!Several of these Friends have become"Close Friends",who shall remain nameless in the intrests of Modesty!LoL.They have not only provided me with help regarding my"Problems"but,I'd like to think,I've help them with thier problems as well.This is the "Definition of Friendship".People who Help,care for and Understand each other.Any one who has read any of my other Blogs(or even my Profile) knows I'm an Agorophopic(Among other Ailments,Disorders,Whatever you chose to label them).Since Finding my Close Friends I've been able to "Talk" about issues and thoughts I've wanted to for years,but,simply had no one to do so till now.We share each others Pains AND Pleasures,and everything in between.My Liguistic Skills are returning,as is my Sense of Humour.I've gotten more from my friends here in the last Month than from Anything,or Anyone,I can remember in my Adult life.So,I'm going to answer my own question."Am I in the Right Place?",the answer,a unequivical"WITHOUT A DOUBT!".

4:00am-Wake up,make coffee

4:01-Take meds.Effexor-75mg,Buspar-150mg,Xanax-2mg,T3-60mg,Ranitine-150mg,Prevacid-30mg.

4:02-Make Bed,Take shower

4:17-8:00-Watch TV

8:01-Take meds.Xanax-2mg

8:02-10:00-Watch TV

10:01-Take meds.Effexor-75mg,Buspar-150mg,T3-60mg

10:02-11:00-Clean House

11:01-12:00pm-Watch TV

12:01-Take meds.Xanax-2mg

12:02-1:30-Sleep

1:31-Wake up,make bed

1:32-4:00-Watch TV

4:01-Take meds.Effexor-75mg,Buspar-150mg,Xanax-2mg,T3-60mg,Ranitidine-150mg,Prevacid-30mg

4:02-4:30-Make Dinner

4:30-5:00-Eat Dinner

5:01-5:15-Do Dishes

5:15-9:00-Watch TV

9:01-Take Meds.Trazodone-150mg

9:02-Go to Bed

*REPEAT DAILY,FOR LIFE.ADD 1HR.WORK-OUT, MON-WED-FRI*

I'm 38yrs.old,reasonably attractive(?).I take care of myself.I stay in good shape.I was married for 8 yrs.,so I know how to commit.I've been divorced for the last 5 yrs.I love children and animals.So why am I alone and single?I know part of the reason is the fact I'm Dysphoric(A Psycological Disorder consisting of Severe Chronic Depression and Anxiety,and,with me,OC behavior and Agorophobia).Alright,I can understand that,but my Depression and Anxiety are controlled(for the most part)by medication.My OC behavior is cleanliness.(nothing wrong with that,right?).And if I take enough medication I'm able to go out for a period of time.But why go out?I'm single with no friends or family.I hear woman complain on TV that there are "no  good men out there",Honest,Trustworthy.Hello,I'm right here!honesty and fidelity are two traits I possess and admire.I'm caring,loving,tender,understanding.Everything I hear women ask for!What's most frustrating is how much I want to share these with a woman I could love.So,what else do I have to do?What's missing?What's wrong?Is it just my "pipe dream"to think a woman would be willing to overlook my disorder and just look at me for what I have to offer?What I have to share.What do I have to do?

I found this site,I won't lie,I was looking for a site where people with simalar "problems,or inpediments in life,not of there own doing,had a place to discuss FREELY all that they can't with family or friends.(either by their own choice not to or their forced exclusion by family members).I am DYSPHORIC,SCHIZO-EFFECTIVE.I am a SEVERE and CHRONIC AGOROPHOPIC.I spend less than 1.5hrs.a month outside of my home.I'm volunteering this information for a simple reason.I DON"T WANT TO BE ALONE ANYMORE,I never have.For the last 26yrs.It's always been just me.I have no family or friends.I do have BLOOD relatives(mother,sisters).I am outside there caring .They consider my "problem"a personal failure,and as the are CHRISTIANS,I am both an embaresetment and a "disgrace".My expectations of this site were,simply,freinds who will not place my "disability"above who I really am.I think i've entered the wrong site.Hope I'll be proven wrong.